Ustream Recap!

Just a quick note:

I cannot BELIEVE that I forgot to mention in the video that after I finished playing the Debussy, the judge said, "nice dynamics."

His words meant the world to me because it was as if he acknowledged how I kept fighting to make the song amazing even with a terrible keyboard that had NO dynamic range. No one would have been the wiser if I had just done a mediocre job and played all the right notes. I could always say that the keyboard was the problem, since it was a problem. But instead, I took comfort knowing that as long as I had a great attitude about it, the performance would be "okay" anyways; that gave me the freedom to try harder and aim for a great performance knowing that I couldn't fail. I fought to have dynamics in that piece, and his, albeit brief, comment really made me believe that he could tell how hard I was trying not to settle for "okay."

Again, I cannot believe I left that out since it carried more weight than he could have possibly imagined.

(VERY) Un-rehearsed Video Blog (The Night Before)

Here's the miniature blog post I wrote on the vimeo video:

Still not quite excited about the audition yet - just excited that I actually got to stand outside several Berklee buildings today (SQEE). But mostly, I'm nervous. Usually I know what to expect the night before a performance but the majority of my audition is improvisation. Berklee wants to see how applicants perform on the fly so it's just the nature of the beast that I'm further outside my comfort zone than normal.

I recorded this somewhat spontaneous video just to test out vimeo and embedding on my blog. But hopefully tomorrow I'll be more animated, less awkward, and well-spoken.

Also, thank you all, again, SO MUCH for the kind words of support. I didn't anticipate so many people to be gunning for me and I want you all to know that I'm not taking your encouragement for granted. Honestly, you all made my day with all your kind messages and my thanks are sincere even if it doesn't look like it in the video because of the awkward hand gesture (I seriously have no clue what was going on there).

The night before... from Elisa Rice on Vimeo.

Packing Bags, Making Plans

It's 8:30. I should be in bed. I'm not. In fact, since my last post I haven't gone to bed ONCE at 8:30, even though I've gotten close. I've been great about waking up early, though, but I'm still very tired when I do so the goal to reset my body clock has not been met. *sigh*

Oh, and in case you're wondering about my excuse tonight, I'm packing for the trip & still need to do laundry. Kill. Me.

But I didn't write this post just to whine - I have a little announcement. Since everyone has been asking me if I could text them or call them after my audition to let them know how it went, I decided that instead I will record a detailed but relatively brief video blog after my audition. This way, while my emotions are fresh, you can hear and see me talk about my experience while lessening the amount of times I have to repeat myself later. I'm going to make a test video blog with my brother's help tomorrow night, so we'll see if I can get it to work.

Preparation List

Besides practicing piano, I've made a list of things I need to accomplish before my Berklee audition this Saturday (YIKES!)

1. Buy a nice blouse/sweater combo: Check! I actually bought two to decide between and I'm thinking I'm going to go with my Gray + Yellow combo since I want to wear a bright color to be memorable. Oh, and the yellow blouse is especially memorable considering it has a little feather detail that looks like Big Bird vomited on my shirt. In fact, I'm really hoping I get to make that joke while I'm there to make absolutely SURE they remember me (in a good way, of course). But it's really chic otherwise, as well as my other blouse combo. So, that's a relief that all the shopping is over (I HATE spending money)....

2. Get a hair cut: My hair isn't curling as well since my layers have grown out and I want to be sure that I'm confident in my appearance as well my piano playing. So, I made a hair appointment for Wednesday.

3. Get a pedicure: I always wear this one pair of shoes for playing piano because they're super thin so I can feel the pedal underneath my foot (to prevent my foot from falling off) and because the heel is super tiny. A small heel has become a priority after I got railed against by a renowned piano coach last year for wearing my favorite tall pair of heels - definitely not making the same the same mistake! Unfortunately, though, my new "piano" shoes are open toe-ed, hence the need for a pedicure (and also my concern about the rain in Boston this weekend. Ugh).

4. Change my body clock: This will probably be one of the hardest tasks because I'm addicted to staying up late watching the olympics live right now. But I need to start going to bed at 8:30 and waking up at 6:30 to prevent fatigue the morning of my audition. If I need to be onsite at Berklee by 9:00, working backwards, I need to be up at around 6:30, which has become the early morning for me even though I used to get up regularly to go the gym at 5:30. Again, this task will be challenging.

5. Praying & reading my Bible everyday: This goal has been disastrous. I always find ways to avoid talking with God since part of me doesn't want his plan in my life. I just want my plan. And my plan has Berklee in it. I hear what people tell me, that God's plan is much better than mine, whatever it holds, Berklee or no Berklee. But it's easier saying I trust God than actually coming to him on a daily basis and putting my concerns before his feet. This task has been and continues to be the hardest challenge and I really appreciate (and need) everyone's prayers for me going into this audition that I will continue to seek God's will. I'm really trying.

The prep performance I'll never forget. And never shoud.

Under the advice of my good friend and the most gifted classical pianist I know, I performed several times last week for people that intimidate me to see what parts of my pieces would fall apart and discover weak parts that I was not aware of when practicing at home.

Although I performed for several pianists early in the week, I knew that I wouldn't get to perform for the people that really frightened me until Thursday when I could see several employees at church. After the main rehearsal that day for the weekend services, I planned to ask, at the very least, our church's instrumental director, Ben and our church's camera video director, Ken to listen to me perform my pieces on the grand piano (who I've affectionately named Tony) downstairs, where earlier the choir would have been rehearsing. I was hoping that some of the choir would still be milling around after their rehearsal to listen to me perform as well since many of them have studied music and knowing them personally would intimidate me greatly.

I went downstairs with my mom, Ben, Ken, that weekend's director, and that weekend's assistant director to find that the room was still filled with about 15-20 choir members that I knew. Perfect. Everyone was amused by the prospect of scaring me into mediocrity, and the tech-on-call that shares an office with my mom even dimmed the lights hoping to make it more difficult for me to play (I explained to her that it was more than difficult, but impossible and had her put the lights back). Everyone was jovial and curious to see how I would fare.

I sat down. I spent a brief moment to breathe and think about the story of my piece, to hear the introduction in my head....

And usually, if you're going to be nervous, the beginning of your pieces will be the worst. Not so. I started off well. Not ideal, but nothing exactly "wrong" either.

By about the second page of my piece, things started to go wrong. My hands started shaking and my legs were practically doing the Lindy Hop underneath the piano.

I realized what was happening and I reminded myself to breath and stay calm. I slowed down slightly and tried to be more deliberate in my touch even if it wasn't what the piece called for at that point. And I did keep going, but it was clear to anyone watching that I was struggling.

I got further into the piece, and my problems continued - the melody and the story were lost, and most importantly, my legs were still shaking. My hands had stopped shaking but they still had this limp quality I had never experienced before. And even though my legs have shaken in the past, it was usually brief. But on this occasion, I couldn't get my body to stop misbehaving. Even though I was calm and prepared to perform, my hands and legs were set on having a panic attack. And that's why this "performance" for approximately 25 people is worthy of note: It was the first time I had the experience of completely losing control of my performance under pressure.

And it's an incredibly unnerving experience.

But soon my discouragement and surprise led way to anger. It's not as if I didn't have performing experience. Not only have I been judged before where my audience consisted of two people so close to me they could hear my heart beat but also being completely exposed before thousands of people this December. I'm no stranger to the stage or stage fright. That's why I perform for people before important performances like I did last week, just to make sure I know how the piece feels under my hands when the adrenaline kicks in.

I had worked too hard to have this piece fall apart and to lose control over what began as my performance.

And the decision was made: I was taking back my piece.

I slowed the tempo way down. And instead of just being deliberate, I was down right plodding if I needed to just to feel like I was the one moving my fingers instead of muscle memory. Whatever I did from that point would be my doing, good or bad.

I made it through the piece and that's when I realized what everyone else had been able to see - my whole face had been burning up and turned bright cherry red. Trying to regain my composure, I made a joke that everyone had done a wonderful job scaring me, "since my foot wouldn't sit still." Everyone laughed and quickly agreed that they had seen my shaking.

I quickly played my secondary jazz piece and you could hear that I had mentally checked out and wasn't fully prepared to get back on the horse, which disappoints me greatly now.

After I finished, the choir members started to mill out of the room, but that weekend's director said that both he and the assistant director thought I should have performed my first piece with Tony's top up. I seized the chance to perform the piece again, even if it was only for the two of them, but Ken and Ben stayed too!

My feet and hands had calmed and I had full control this time. And I can I say that it was by far the most satisfying performance in my life. I was so determined that everyone listening would hear the story I had been trying to develop for so many months and it showed.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thursday night began silly but ended very serious. Now I know the worst thing that could possibly happen to me at my audition and I know not to assume that just because I'm feeling confident and calm that the piece will soar. That's not always the case and now I know what it really feels like to perform undeterred.